Help, My Computer’s Been Hijacked

My Windows software just updated itself a few minutes ago. No, wait! This is really weird! See, I don’t have Windows set to update automatically. I demand that Microsoft ask for permission first. Therefore, according my little libertarian pea brain, that means Microsoft can only upload stuff into my personal computer IF I SAY IT’S OK.

But Microsoft just ran right through my stop sign and uploaded a bunch of crap all by itself. I couldn’t even stop it. Believe me, I tried. When I saw that little logo on the bottom right of my screen (looks like a satellite dish or something), I clicked on it. Until today, that would ALWAYS bring up a screen that told me which “important” and “optional” updates Microsoft thinks I should put on my computer. And then I’d install them, happy in knowing that at least I got a choice.

But this time, clicking on it did nothing .. except reveal a tiny notice that Windows was already 55% done with uploading the updates that I hadn’t approved. They hadn’t even bothered to ask.

Naturally, since Microsoft has always been so polite in the past, I assumed that this had to be the work of a Hacker Virus Trojan Worm Death Star, only pretending to be Microsoft. So I tried to open my Task Manager so I could stop the process of the download. It refused to open. Gulp. This is one crafty hacker nerd.

So I can’t open the Windows screen that confirms what I’m downloading against my will, and I can’t open Task Manger to stop it. Help. I’m being invaded. The download progress is at 66% now. So I click to restart my computer. That’ll fix ‘em.

And then the reboot hangs up on the “shutting down” message for an agonizing 14 minutes. My god, SuperHacker has managed to force the computer to finish downloading all its evil mayhem before it reboots. And I’m powerless to stop it.

Finally, my PC restarts, and all appears normal. No little “update” icon, nothing appears amiss. I Google search for “Windows updates itself without permission” and find that Microsoft did this at least once before, in 2007, and a lot of people were pissed off about it.

So then I click into the Microsoft update web page and read that they indeed do have 9 “important” updates for me. At that instant, I see that the dreaded little satellite dish icon has reappeared — and now it says its upload is 82% complete. I still haven’t given anyone permission to upload anything. Damn.

And now it’s done. As I sit here at this very moment, Windows is asking me to restart my computer “in order to finish installing your important updates.”

If Microsoft had told me I needed these updates because of security issues and junk email filters and the usual blah blah blah, of course I would have obediently installed them. And I know they can tell me any lie they want and I’m going to just trust them and install the stuff.

But the minute they put something into my PC without my permission, I get very suspicious. If this turns out to be the last blog entry you ever see in “The Media Room,” you’ll know it’s because my computer has been hijacked by some Big-Brother, intrusive, self-important, nerd hacker who thinks he can do anything he wan

 

 

 

 

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